(wrote this as an intro for another site. i know you guys already know who i am, jeez)
Hi, I’m Heather. I live in Portland, OR and I recently learned how to use a shift key. There are 2 of them, but I only use the one on the left!
I love comedy. Specifically, I love standup and sketch comedy. I like to go to shows and watch things online and on television. I’ve been going to comedy shows for about 10 years. I really like seeing live comedy in Portland. I’ve lived in Portland for about 4 years now and I moved here partly because I started going to the Bridgetown Comedy Festival so I thought Portland would be a magical land of free beer and friendly people and beautiful weather and free beer and soooo maaaany bridges. It turns out Portland is a magical land of cheap beer and some friendly people and some of the worst people that have ever existed and hard work and only like 10 or 15 bridges. The weather is difficult. It snowed here in February and some people liked it and some people didn’t. ANYWAY.
I’m not anyone. I’m not a performer, I’m not going to book you on anything, and I definitely can’t get you on a podcast. I hold no sway. I think sometimes people might know who I am because I’ve had the same stupid haircut for 16 years but generally I’m too scared to make eye contact, let alone ask if they think I need a haircut.
It feels really unnatural and gross to say “I” so much, so let’s talk about you.
You are probably a comedian who lives in Portland. You might be exclusively an audience member like myself, but you’re probably a comedian. You might be reading this because you’re hoping I’ll talk about who I like in town, or maybe who I don’t like. You’re almost certainly taller than me. You are thinking, right now, “I’m funnier than Heather.” You are right! You are funnier than me, and almost everything I plan to write here is a celebration of you and what you do. I want to write previews/reviews of your shows, so please tell me when they’re happening. I want to write things that you’ll read and enjoy. I don’t want to crap on your hard work or ruin anyone’s good time. HELP ME HELP YOU.
I also want to write some stuff that might not necessarily be enjoyable for comedians but hopefully it’ll be educational for audience members. Possible future topics include “Why the comedian onstage has a microphone and you don’t”, “Dick jokes: they’re kind of all the same and I didn’t ask to hear yours”, “I thought this was a comedy show but I guess it’s a good place for me to consider suicide since that’s what you seem to be doing”, “Everything in this bar is sticky”, “This show is too damn long”, “WHEN DID I GET SO OLD” and “Hey, who died and made you an admin on this blog?” (Nobody died, but Whitney said I could write some stuff and I intend to write stuff until I drive away everyone I care about.) Honestly, I think some of what I write here might not be enjoyable for anyone. My job allows me a lot of time to think and not talk, and a lot of those thoughts are poison. (I do go to a therapist, but she wants me to work on developing software and not cooking pizza because software would pay me enough to afford more than one therapist visit every 3 months, so now my problems are going to be your problems too~) On a scale of “HBO costs too much money for me to understand your Game of Thrones references” to “I think I probably have soul cancer” to “It doesn’t make sense for me to be an alive person when there are so many dead people” I promise to try to keep the darkness around a 6 or a 7. I do want to kind of explore some ideas about comedy and comedians and audience members and how we’re all in this together, but it rains a lot in Portland and we all get sad here so inevitably there will be some sad bastard navel-gazing crap. You don’t have to read it.
Anyway, I’m not a very experienced writer and I wouldn’t dare call myself a comedian, but I hate the idea that a lot of comedy writing seems to be more about creating things vaguely known as “content” instead of writing things that are actually relevant to fans or writers of comedy. I love comedy and I love Portland and I love you, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone who took the time to read this all the way through.